Everything is Relative

I have a lot of qualms with posting this, but it’s what’s on my mind right now. And…a few people have been asking about my specific diagnosis…and others are probably wondering what the heck I mean by being so excited by the promise of being pain free one day…so…here goes. Going to dust off the old blog….

I don’t really know what people think of me, but I feel like a lot of people could probably think I’m a super negative person. I complain about dating. I complain about home teachers (or the lack thereof). I complain about social issues at BYU. I complain about the weather. I complain about school. I complain about work. I complain about dating some more. 

What those people don’t get is how much of a positive spin I’m actually trying to put on my life. That by complaining about the super inconsequential, nobody-cares, petty things, it helps me not complain about the big stuff that actually, ya know…matters. (Now…we can debate all we want about the social implications of social intimacy and secrets and personal space and personal problems and honesty and openness and all that jazz, but that’s not really the point of this post. We could also debate about how trying to be positive isn’t good enough and I’m so imperfect and all that jazz but we could list both of our imperfections all day and in the end, it wouldn’t matter, so lets not and say we did.)

I don’t like talking to people about my real problems, so know this list is in no way exhaustive…but let me at least describe to you exactly how I’m feeling right now (and you should know, I’m not exaggerating):

-       My left pinky toe feels like it’s dislocated.
-       My next toe feels like its been sliced down the middle.
-       My middle left toe feels like someone is pulling on it, trying to dislocate it.
-       My next toe feels like it’s broken at the knuckle.
-       My left big toe joint feels stiff as a board.
-       My left ankle feels like someone smashed it in with a sledgehammer.
-       My left knee feels like someone is shooting a nail gun at it.
-       Repeatedly.
-       My left hip feels like a heavy weight boxer has been using it for a punching bag.
-       My left shoulder feels like it’s being stabbed with a hot poker.
-       Repeatedly.
-       While all the muscles surrounding it are being shredded like pulled pork.
-       My left elbow feels like someone is trying to chisel it away.
-       My left wrist feels like it’s been snapped in two.
-       My left pinky finger feels like I jammed it in a doorway.
-       My left ring finger feels like it got caught in an alligator’s jaw.
-       My left middle finger feels like it’s going to just completely fall off my hand any second.
-       My left index finger feels like its been driven through a pencil sharpener.
-       My left thumb feels like a steamroller steamed over it.
-       My lower back feels so tight, I wonder if my vertebrae are fused together*.
-       My upper back feels so tight, I wonder if cracking it would make me pass out.
-       And to top it all off, I've got an ingrown toenail in my left big toe.

And I have felt like that for every hour of every day for the past eight years (well…minus the ingrown toenail part. That part’s only been for the past few months).

I do not know what it is like to not be in pain. I try to imagine it. It’s like a person that’s been blind their whole life trying to imagine a Picasso painting. I’m not being melodramatic; I’m being honest.

Not a single doctor has ever been able to tell me what is wrong with me, either…until yesterday.

Yesterday I finally got an answer. I’ve been diagnosed with ANKYLOSING SPONDYLITIS (http://www.spondylitis.org/about/as.aspx). It’s a form of arthritis that is especially rare in women that, if left untreated, could result in my bones growing and fusing together* (the website explains it much better than I can).

Not MS.

Not lupus.

Not any OTHER autoimmune disease—or combination of diseases--I might have had.

I just have arthritis. And it’s treatable!!!

IT’S TREATABLE!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot explain to you how much of a relief this has been. I feel like this single, brilliantly bright blessing form Heavenly Father is finally outshining all the trials I’ve been going through over the past seven months. I am just so, so, so grateful. This diagnosis has been an answer to so many questions I’ve been searching for answers to for so long.

Soon…I’m hoping my list will look like this:

How do I feel right now?

            - I feel NORMAL!

and I'll know what that means!!!

So…thank you everyone for being happy for me yesterday. Thanks for reading this and understanding how life-changing such a simple diagnosis is for me. I’m not trying to shove a pity-Heather-party on everyone…I just want to help you understand why this is so huge for me and why I’m so happy about it.

So…here’s hoping this little honesty session doesn’t make anyone think any less of me. Feel free to ask me any questions…don’t know how well I can answer them, but I’ll do my best!

<3, Heather

*So far, nothing is fused together, just very inflamed.