Once upon a time, I asked someone why they thought puns seem to have such a bad reputation. Their answer was that upon hearing a pun people will typically think “That was funny,” “I could have come up with that,” and “You’re not so original” simultaneously, and since we can’t stand for people to be better than us (in the case of plays on words, cleverer than us) we tend to focus on the latter two.
I found this answer both satisfying and insightful, and was appeased to let the matter drop. However, becoming aware of this thought process in explicit terms, I began to look for it, and I was surprised to see how many times I think to myself “You’re not so original” or “I could have come up with that.” I would think about when I was watching TV shows. I would think that while reading blogs. I would think that while reading books.
Then I started noticing a different thought that lay beneath these. It was very simple, and would probably seem harmless to the general passerby.
The thought was: “I want to do that.”
I wanted to blog (hence…). I toyed with the idea of starting to vlog. I returned to my old dreams to write novels. I decided I wanted to be a sociology professor. It also strengthened my resolve that I wanted other things too—I wanted to get married even more and I began to feel my biological clock start to tick a little more insistently.
And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks, it hit me. It made my skin crawl and my stomach churn because I realized that with that single thought, I was at risk for becoming a hypocrite.
You see, my biggest critique of feminists like Joan Williams and Mrs. Job Security is that they feel entitled to everything, all at once, and it’s a simple fact of life that you can’t have everything, all at once.
I probably sound like I’m exaggerating, but for a few weeks, I shut down. It's like, I didn't know where I was going, and so I wouldn't go anywhere until I figured it out. I wouldn’t touch a book, I took time off from reading blogs, and I tried to solve my problem.
Really, I realized, I wasn’t turning into a feminist with unrealistic and self-centered goals (and I was relieved). It was just the first time in my life that I didn’t have a singular concrete goal for myself. I realized that what was actually happening was that I was just growing up, and I was realizing the fuller complexity of life.
It wasn’t that I wanted everything; it was that everything was something I could potentially want to the point of pursuing it. For example, I want to be married and have children, but if I need to work for economic reasons, I’ll want to work as a sociology professor. Or I could marry someone rich and fabulous and become one of those famed Mormon Mommy Bloggers. Or I could get married and I could work and I could write novels when I retired. Or I could...you get the idea.
Anyways, I was at a cross-roads in my life and I didn’t really know which road to take and it really was the first time in my life I’d ever experienced this kind of uncertainty. College, for example: I’d always known that I wanted to attend BYU and so I never really made The Decision. It wasn’t a decision that was necessarily made for me by someone else, but it just sort of…always was. My undergrad major took two tries, but only because I had unrealistic expectations as to the sort of education I would gain as an English major at BYU and the sociology department promised to meet my expectations with ease.
Now, however, I feel like I’m making decisions that I’ll have to stick with for the rest of my life. Who I’m going to marry, for example. And that’s a decision that will affect what sort of graduate level education I will seek, and where I’ll seek it, and to what career-end I will seek it. And those decisions each have any number of possibilities and repercussions. And then, what if I don’t get married before I graduate (what some BYU students consider a viable concern). I’ll have to make those decisions on my own, without anyone else to worry about (but not really…because what if I go to the ‘wrong’ grad program and I’m in the ‘wrong’ place at the ‘wrong’ time and so I miss my chance to meet Mr. Right…?). Anyways, I think you get the gist.
The point is, I don’t necessarily want everything I’ve thought, “I want that” to. I just view them as potential roads to follow, and the thought of having multiple roads frightens me more than I would have anticipated. I’ve always been very self-aware, so not knowing exactly what I want* is kinda freaking me out, too. Is it possible to doubt the alterity of yourself? Because that’s what I feel like I want to have as my solution…and that just doesn’t seem to be right.
And then I sit and wonder, Man…what do people do that don’t have the Gospel? What do people do without Heavenly Father to answer their prayers and show them the way?
No wonder the world’s so screwed up. We all hit this point around 20-25 and we all have mental breakdowns, and some people must never figure it out, like resisting figuring it out is what will keep them young…Though, I doubt everyone else’s life-decision-mental-breakdown is set off by a fear that they’re becoming their own sworn enemy: a feminist.
This might be my first time saying it, but I think I’ve got issues...or something.
--Heather
*Okay, not necessarily true. I can lay out exactly what I want to have happen in my life easily, but I’m just saying the likelihood of that happening the way I’ve planned it is slim to none and I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Much. ;)
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